Memoirs · of · a · Beatnik

It has been so long since I wrote. I can't even remember what I wrote last! Well I was in Bosnia all summer which was amazing and wonderful and just brilliant. I loved it. I loved running my workshops and working with the kids and young people and I loved the insanely strong coffee they drink there, and I loved listening to the call to prayer, especially when the sun was setting. I loved the people I met there and the language.
I came home about 3 weeks ago now and I have to say that I miss Bosnia so so much!!! I am keeping myself busy here, or at least attempting to that is. I have started steiner teacher training and I am busy rehearsing for Samhainn (it is like a smaller version of the Beltane performance, but in reverse, to celebrate summer but to welcome the winter in). I have also found work, but haven't been able to start yet because I am waiting for my police check to clear. Sigh. It always takes forever! I have been trying to catch up with everything and get everything sorted out and working again after being away for so long but it is a bit of a challenge with no money coming in!!

To say that I am exhausted would seriously be an understatement. Beltane rehearsals didn't finish until after 10, and then I didn't get home until 1am because I said "fuck it" and went out with Anna to see this awesome band play. I love it when you see a band live. I mean not it a huge stadium, not a big famous band, but the type of band that played last night. When you stand close to the speakers, and you can feel the music in you, and around you. Where the energy and the atmosphere is just wonderful!!

I was also at work all day. Grr work( Read more... )
Beltane is coming along at the rate of a snail as per usual. Nothing really getting done. The organisers of our group are clearly getting stressed now and it is creating this horrible tense vibe which I am upset about. Beltane is a special time..( Read more... )

So today is a beautiful sunny day and I am so tempted to go home early, (I mean it is not as though they are going to miss my presance. I have been in for nearly 2 hours and no-one has even said hello!) or at least leave early rather, get some coffee-to-go and laze about reading. I am reading Dr. Zhivago at the moment. I can totally see why it won the nobel prize for literature, it is amazing!! And how amazing would it be to write a book that one the nobel prize for literature?? That is a secret dream of mine!! I don't want to be a famous, accomplished author for fame's sake, but rather for the personal sense of achievement that I would gain from that!! Perhaps it will happen when I am studying for my PhD in a few years.........

I really should be working but am completely unmotivated today for many reasons. I am very tired, I am fed up of being in this tiny dark office with bars on the windows away from any kind of social contact, my work is not exactly inspiring at present, I actually just want to go to a coffee shop and curl up with my book (I am reading Sense and Sensibility), plus many other things.
Anyway, since I last wrote in June last year, my good that is a whiley ago! My girlfriend and I split up, (part of my reasons for coming back to this journal is because she isn't my friend here, as she is on myspace), I have a new flat. No more hostels, or temporary accommodation for me. I have been volunteering fulltime at LGBT Youth Scotland in Edinburgh, although as much as I have loved it here I long for a new challenge, something that will actually challenge me, stimulate me intellectually, where I have contact with the human world.
Apart from that things are much the same as they always are.
I am considering finishing my degree (or a degree) and doing another postgraduate diploma, if not Masters this time. Plus doing a second degree, go travelling, and then move to Canada or the US and escape this country.
Another reason for writing here is that my Dad doesn't know that I have it, unlike my myspace, as as we are getting along as dreadfully as ever as I continue to be the most incrediblle dissapointment to him.
Anyway, I should get back to my work and stop skiving. I shall probably go home soon anyway because I was working late last night.

1. In four words, explain what ended your last relationship?
A serious of frustrating converstations and the fact my girlfriend didn't actually want to be my girlfriend. It ended quite calmly actually, not quite as dramatic as some of my relationships.

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
To be honest I really can't remember. No-one ever sees my legs at any rate.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Drinking tea and watching something on TV, I think it was Everybody Love Raymond.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Reading the Scottish Exec's webpage.

5. Are you any good at math?
fairly good. I am a little out of practice though.

6. Last night?
I was at peer ed training. Then I went home and watched a strange tv movie.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Not that I know of.

8. Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex?
Yes.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?
Yep. "Seo ar ceòl, seo ar cànan. Tha i beò, chan eil e màrbh.."

10. Last thing you received in the mail
The Edinburgh Local Directory. Oh the excitment!!!! Useful I suppose though on the bright side.

11. How many different things have you drank today?
I have only had tea today, I might have some chai tea later (although why they call Chai tea chai tea, I'll never know because chai means tea, so in effect it is actually just called tea tea. Why not just call it chai?) then again they only have cow's milk here (ew!! Even if I wasn't lactose intolerant, ew!) and white sugar (white suger has bones in it people!!)

12. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?
I can't just choose one thing there are so many,Where do I start? My height, I would make myself a bit taller. Being 4ft11 really sucks for so many reasons. It just isn't good. I would be more confident, have perfect skin, not have food allergies, be prettier, to name but a few

13. What do you wish for?
I wish that I didn't have to work at all, and could spend my days reading books, creating art, and travelling. My home would be in the heart of the rocky mountins of Canada, where I would stay with the love of my life and I would have many beautiful children.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Sometimes, not all beaches have sand and sometimes even if it does the sand isn't wet. But sometimes I do.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Every one!!! I am so terrified of the dentist that my heart races just passing one. I can't watch them on tv and actually can't go and see them anymore because, I am just far too terrified. They would have to knock me out to do any dental work on me.

16. What is outside of your back door?
I don't have a back door.

17. Any plans for Friday night?
I am supposed to be going to an elemental club night for Beltane. To be honest though, I just want to curl up with a book and relax. I am not really a club type person.

18. Do you like the ocean?
I love the ocean. I have always lived close to the sea, and even though how I am only a few miles away, because I can't see it I am sad. I need to be near the ocean.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
No.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
No sadly, but I would love to go. How amazing would that be?? I love the night sky.

21. Natural childbirth or epidural?
Natural childbirth without a doubt, preferably an at home water birth.

22. Something you are excited about?:
Seeing (not so) Ugly Betty this evening, Beltane, the after party at Tyningham, making my next cup of tea/chai with soy milk and brown sugar,

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
I don't eat Jello.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
No. They all passed away, a long time before I was born. I am named after my two great-grandma's thought.

25. Describe your keychain:
I have too many!! I seem to collect them.

26.nothing here.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group?
Last week.

28. What is your winter coat like?
I have lots of winter coats. I love wrapping up and keeping warm. My favourite is a think wool poncho because it makes me look like Little Red Riding Hood.

29. How often do you lay with your significant other and just cuddle?
At the moment, as much as I would like to be in a relationship, I don't have a significant other.

30. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?
Nope.

Gu mi-fhortanach, chan urrainn dhomh sgriobhadh le stracan no grabhan ach co-dhiu, feumaidh mi barrachd sgriobhadh a' dheanamh sa ghaidhlig agus barrachd leughadh cuideachd. Tha e gu math duilich nach eil an uirid de chothroman agam airson mo ghaidhlig a' cleachdadh an-seo. Cha do mhothaich mi de cho chudthromach sa bha e dhomhsa. Dh' fhaighnich Eddie ruim "De an canan as fhearr leat?", feumaidh mi ag radh gu bheil Gaidhlig a' cordadh ruim nas motha na Beurla gun teagamh sam bith agus dh' innis mi sin dha. Thuirt mi, mura robh e riatanach a' bhith bruidhinn beura, bhridhinn gaidhlig fad na tide agus cha chleachdainn beurla tuilleadh. Chan eil mi bronach ged-ta, nach eil mi aig Sabhal Mor Ostaig tuilleadh, chan eil teagamh nam inntinn gun do rinn mi an rud ceart ann a' bhith tighinn dhan Dun Eideann. Tha dorsan an t-saoghal a' fosgladh dhomh ann an doighean nach bith a' tacairt nan robh mi fhathast air an t-eilean sgitheanach agus tha mi ceud mile tursan nas toilichte na bha mi cuideachd. Tha mi ag ionndrainn na caraidean agam ged-ta, agus na seallaidhean breaga, agus an canan.
Tha cuisean direach miorbhalach an-seo. Tha fios agam gun do sgriobh mi seo sa bheurla mar-ta, ach an ath-sheachdainn tha mi a' toiseachadh cursa ealain aig colaisde Stevenson. Tha mi a' coimhead air adhart ri sin gu mor. Chosg mi an tide gu leir, anns na clasaichean aig SMO, a' deanamh dealbhan beaga agus dudalan. Cha robh sin idir ag cordadh ri na tidsearan agam, bha mi ag eisteachd agus ag ionnsachadh bha mi direach a' deanamh dealbhan aig an aon am.
Tha mi'n dochas gum bith cothrom agam a' bhith a' dol dhan Glaschu an-diugh ach tha faireachdan agam nach bi. Fuis ma tha an airgead agam a-staigh, cha bhi gu leor ann airson am mal agus a' bhith a' paigheadh am banca air ais agus a' bhith a' gabhail an treana dhan Glaschu. Ah uill. C' est la vie!!
Tha an t-acras orm a-nis, bidh mi a' dol a-mach gu Tescos. Tha e cho math a' bhith san baile mor, tha a h-uile rud cho handy!

I did very little today. I looked for flats in Edinburgh on the internet but they all cost an arm and a leg. One day I'll be able to afford them but not right now. I watched Angela's Ashes again. It's such a heartbreaking movie yet inspiring too because despite the fact that things are so incredibly terrible for Frank McCourt, he still manages to come through it all and overcome the troubles.

Coinneach asked me to take down his warden posters. Call me childish and immature if you will but I refuse to do a favour for someone who isn't even courteous enough to say hello or goodbye and who barely speaks to me except when it suits him. I know it's only a couple of posters and I know that it wouldn't take me a minute to take them down but it is more the principle of the thing than the act itself.

I spoke to Tim and he is more than happy to give me a run up to Edinbane with my things. He is busy however so this means that moving to Edinburgh will have to be put off until next weekend perhaps. I am greatful that he is going to help though. It's a lot to ask someone to do because it takes so long to get up and down and then we have to stay for a little bit so my father won't go beserk and think that I am using him. It is bad enough that he constantly tells me how much help he needs with the children. I would like to help more, and I do appreciate it that he lets me keep my things up there, but I have to live my own life too.

I have been thinking futher and while I can see that it would make more sense academically to stay, I won't. I can finish getting a degree at another point it time either through the Open University or by transfering to another degree course. I don't know if I would end up doing Celtic Studies or Scottish Ethnology, but the idea of going to Edinburgh University is quite exciting. It is so ancient and old and respected. Even if I am on the dole between now and whenever, at least I shall have plenty of time to go on walks, recooperate, read books and such like. I don't want to have to scrimp and scrape forever but for a little while it will be ok.